I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
