and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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