I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
