dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
