My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
