im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
