remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Randomize