I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
