Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize