I wish my penis had an off switch
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
