I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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