do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
