You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
