You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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