So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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