maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
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