her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize