I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
