We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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