You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
