Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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