don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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