You don't have asthma, your pregnant
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Randomize