Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
