i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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