There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
