So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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