i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
