dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize