gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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