I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
