Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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