remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Randomize
