Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize