the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
