i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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