i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
