Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
