When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
