Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
