Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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