Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
