I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
