I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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