i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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