Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
