you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
This toilet bowl is my home.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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