I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
