there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
