in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
