yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
