i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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