So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
