Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
