You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
