If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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