He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
