there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize