Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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