Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
