he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
