yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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