But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
