i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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