girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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