I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
