Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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