No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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